There are some movies that you can tell will look like turds when they’re released based on the trailer alone, and then there comes the cataclysmic eruption of shit that movies like Slender Man offer that grossly under-estimate your initial reservations.

If you’re thinking I may be coming across a little harsh, then think again. Slender Man fails to deliver a single ounce of originality which is ironic considering the slightness of the ‘boogey man’s name.
This is the problem when you try to create a feature length story based on a creepypasta internet meme. It’s like the producers got together and said “Hey, that would make a great movie”, then sealing the deal without actually considering what that concept may look like in the 93 minutes that ended up in the theatrical cut.
Once greenlit it seems the screenwriter decided to steal from every possible horror movie trait going and try to cobble this together out of… out of fucking nothing!!!

The film plays on the paranoia that supposedly brings about when you watch any of the viral videos on the net, and shock horror he enters your mind and… does what exactly? It’s never really clear, but once he does, you’re fucked. All this sounds eerily familiar to the Samara shenanigans in Ring.

The quartet of girls that the movie revolves around evoke the Slender Man from his slumber but have little to offer in the mix either with incredibly 2-dimensional characters leaving us with little care factor. The cast should be able to deliver with Joey King promising once more, but like her role in Wish Upon, falling short again; The Affair’s Julia Goldani Telles also provides appeal based on her previous role, but we’re left wondering who’s journey we’re supposed to be following, which ordinarily might seem clever, but ends up as a complete muddle. Even the promise of Annalise Basso (Ouija: Origin of Evil, Oculus) ends up being woefully underused.

 

The Diagnosis:

Honestly, this was a painful watch. No originality. No real concept. And a boogeyman that just didn’t scare. Avoid if you can.

 

• Saul Muerte