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Alternate Title: I Watched This So You Don’t Have To

Amazing performances from a diverse and talented cast.

A thrilling storyline.

Terrifying creatures, made all the scarier by almost never fully seeing them.

I refer of course to the 2007 film adaptation of Stephen King’s classic horror tale about a large group of terrified townspeople trapped in a grocery store by a strange, otherworldly mist. (I never tire of watching this film and in fact watched it a few times to rid myself of the bitter taste of mediocrity that was left in my mouth after watching the series.)

The 2017 television series was one of the worst things that these orbs in my face have been forced to look upon.

Lacklustre performances from an unmemorable and largely average cast (with the notable exception of Frances Conroy (the matriarch from Six Feet Under) who is tremendous despite her character being fairly annoying
Confusing and meandering plotlines, most of which go nowhere and serve no real purpose.

A mixed bag of monsters, most of which aim for Hannibal-esque special effects (I refer of course to the television series with Mads Mikkelsen and not the film), but lack their elegance, grotesque beauty and creativity.

To sum up the plot (if it can even be called much of one), the story centres around a family whose teenage daughter has been the victim of a heinous crime.

While dealing with the aftermath, they are separated from each other when an eerie mist suddenly descends upon their small Maine town.

They must deal with some not so fantastic neighbours (and the deadly mist of course which is the most likeable character in the series.)

Unlike the film which showed the good and the bad that come out in people while facing a crisis, the show only portrays seriously unlikeable characters who repeatedly do horrible, horrible things to one another.

Which brings me to the subject of the series finale (because this series was blessedly cancelled after the first season!)

I never watched Lost but I remember hearing people complaining that they had been loyal viewers for years and then were massively let down by the ending.

This was less of a letdown for me because I didn’t care about any of the characters but I still wanted some kind of payoff in terms of answers.

We dedicated ten hours of our lives to the show so the ending – abrupt and nonsensical – left me with my mouth fully agape for ten minutes. I could not believe that they chose to end the series – let alone a season – so poorly. I have never felt so cheated by a finale. I can’t say that I have fully recovered from it.

The Diagnosis:
Get you a man or woman who will endure 10 hours of terrible television to keep you company (and without complaint!) My gentleman companion earned himself so many gold stars for sitting with me to watch this series in its entirety that he gets a kidney from me if he ever needs one.
This TV series was that bad.

– Vanessa Cervantes